How to Help a Victim of Domestic Violence

How to Help a Victim of Domestic Violence Relationships Violence and Abuse Print 9 Ways to Help a Victim of Domestic Violence By Buddy T facebook twitter Buddy T is an anonymous writer and founding member of the Online Al-Anon Outreach Committee with decades of experience writing about alcoholism. Learn about our editorial policy Buddy T Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD on August 05, 2016 Steven Gans, MD is board-certified in psychiatry and is an active supervisor, teacher, and mentor at Massachusetts General Hospital. Learn about our Medical Review Board Steven Gans, MD Updated on February 13, 2020 Ghislain Marie David de Lossy / Getty Images More in Relationships Violence and Abuse Spouses & Partners LGBTQ If you know or suspect that someone is a victim of domestic violence, you might feel clueless about the best way to help. Dont let a fear of saying the wrong thing prevent you from reaching out. Waiting for the perfect words could keep you from seizing the opportunity to change a life. The world for many domestic abuse victims can be lonely, isolated, and filled with fear. Sometimes reaching out and letting them know that you are there for them can provide tremendous relief. How to Help Support a Domestic Violence Victim Use the nine tips that follow to help you support someone in this vulnerable situation.   Reasons Why Domestic Abuse Happens Make Time for Them If you decide to reach out to an  abuse victim, do so during a time of calm. Getting involved when tempers are flaring can put you in danger.  Also, make sure to  set aside plenty of  time in case the victim decides to open up. If the person decides to disclose years of pent-up fear and frustration, you will not want to end the conversation because you have another commitment. Start a Conversation You can bring up the subject of domestic violence by saying “I’m worried about you because …..” or “I’m concerned about your safety… or I have noticed some changes that  concern me... Maybe youve seen the person wearing clothing to cover up bruises or noticed that the person has suddenly become unusually quiet and withdrawn. Both can be  signs of abuse. Let the person know that  you will be discreet about any information disclosed. Do not try to force the person to open up; let the conversation unfold at a comfortable pace. Take it slow and easy. Just let the person know that you are available and offering a sympathetic ear. Listen Without Judgment If the person does decide to talk, listen to the story without being judgmental, offering advice, or suggesting solutions. Chances are if you actively listen, the person will tell you exactly what they need. Just give the person the full opportunity to talk. You can ask clarifying questions, but mainly just let the person vent their feelings and fears. You may be the first person in which  the victim has confided. Learn the Warning Signs Many people try to cover up the abuse for a variety of reasons, and learning the warning signs of domestic abuse can help you help them:Physical Signs:Black eyesBusted lipsRed or purple marks on the neckSprained wristsBruises on the armsEmotional Signs:Low self-esteemOverly apologetic or meekFearfulChanges in sleeping or eating patternsAnxious or on edgeSubstance abuseSymptoms of depressionLoss of interest in once enjoyed activities and hobbiesTalking about suicideBehavioral Signs:Becoming withdrawn or distantCanceling appointments or meetings at the last minuteBeing late oftenExcessive privacy concerning their personal lifeIsolating themselves from friends and family Believe the Victim Because domestic violence is more about control than anger, often the victim is the only one who sees the dark side of the perpetrator. Many times, others are shocked to learn that a person they know could commit violence. Consequently, victims often feel that no one would believe them if they told people  about the violence.  Believe the victims story and say so. For a victim, finally having someone who knows the truth about their struggles  can bring a sense of hope and relief. Offer the victim these assurances: I believe youThis is not your faultYou dont deserve this. Validate the Victims Feelings Its not unusual for victims to express conflicting feelings about their partner and their situation. These feelings can range from: Guilt and angerHope and despairLove and fear If you want to help, it is important that you validate her feelings by letting her know that having these conflicting thoughts is normal.  But it is also important that you confirm that violence is not okay, and it isnt normal to live in fear of being physically attacked. Some victims may not realize that their situation is abnormal because they have no other models for relationships and have gradually become accustomed to the cycle of violence.  Tell the victim that violence and abuse arent part of healthy relationships. Without judging, confirm to her that her situation is dangerous, and you are concerned for her safety. Reasons Why Victims Stay It can be hard to understand why someone you care about would seemingly choose to stay in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. Here are a few reasons why its not easy to part ways.Fear of harm if they leaveThey still love their partner and believe they will changeTheir partner promised to changeA strong belief that marriage is for better or worseThinking the abuse is their faultStaying for the childrenLack of self-confidenceFear of isolation or lonelinessPressure from family, community, or churchLack of means (job, money, transportation) to survive on their own Offer Specific Help and Support Help the victim  find support and resources. Look up telephone numbers for shelters, social services, attorneys, counselors, or support groups. If available, offer brochures or pamphlets about domestic violence. Youll also want to help them get information on any laws regarding protective orders/restraining orders and child custody information. You can search state by state for legal information on  WomensLaw.org. If the victim  asks you to do something specific and you are willing to do it, dont hesitate to help. If you are unable to, try to find other ways the need can be met. Identify their strengths and assets, and help them build and expand upon them, so they find the ?motivation to help themselves. The important thing is to let them know that you are there for them, available at any time. Just let them know the best way to reach you if help is needed. If possible, offer to go along for moral support to the police, court, or lawyer’s office. Let the person know they are not alone and help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for immediate assistance and a referral to nearby counseling services or support groups. Help Form a Safety Plan Help the victim create a safety plan  that  can be put into action if violence occurs again or if they decide to leave the situation. Just the exercise of making a plan can help them visualize which steps are needed and to prepare psychologically to do so. Because victims who leave their abusive partners are at a 75 percent  greater risk of being killed by their abuser than those who stay, it is extremely important for a victim to have a personalized safety plan before a crisis occurs or before they decide to leave. Help the victim think through each step of the safety plan, weighing the risks and benefits of each option and ways to reduce the risks. Be sure to include the following in the safety plan: A safe place to go in an emergency, or if they decide to leave homeA prepared excuse to leave if they feel threatenedA code word to alert family or friends that help is neededAn escape bag with cash, important documents (birth certificates, social security cards, etc.), keys, toiletries, and a change of clothes that can be easily accessed in a crisis situationA list of emergency contacts, including trusted family or friends, local shelters, and domestic abuse hotline How dangerous is the situation? Take the Danger Assessment Quiz  to find out. What Not to Do or Say to a Domestic Violence Victim Although there is no right or wrong way to help a victim of domestic violence, you want to avoid doing anything that will make the situation worse. Here are some donts the experts suggest you avoid: Dont... Bash the abuser. Focus on the behavior, not the personality.Blame the victim. Thats what the abuser does.Underestimate the potential danger for the victim and yourself.Promise any help that you cant follow through with.Give conditional support.Do anything that might provoke the abuser.Pressure the victim.Give up. If she is not willing to open up at first, be patient.Do anything to make it more difficult for the victim. When to Call the Police If you know that violence is actively occurring, call 9-1-1 immediately. If you hear or see physical abuse taking place, call the police. The police are the most effective way to remove the immediate danger to the victim and their children. There are no situations in which children should be left in a violent situation. Do whatever is necessary to ensure their safety, even if it means going against the wishes of your victim friend or the wishes of the abuser. In actively violent situations, calling child protective services is not the problem, its part of the solution. A Word From Verywell Although your natural impulse will want to be to rescue someone you care about from domestic violence, the person being abused needs to make the ultimate decision of whether to leave and get help. Keeping this in mind will help ensure that you support them no matter their decision and continue to provide them with a loving and safe friendship. 9 Ways to Prevent Teen Dating Violence